Am I the only one who finds saying NO to things, people, or opportunities absolutely terrifying? Why does it feel like I need to please everyone around me? Why is putting myself and my needs first so hard?
These are the questions I’ve been asking myself, and lately, life has been giving me lessons to answer them. It feels like I’m slowly and finally learning how to say no and let go of my people-pleasing tendencies.
When you make a decision, what’s the first thing you consider? Is it how you feel about it, or how it might affect others? For me, for the longest time, it was always about what other people would think—especially what they would think about me. I was stuck in this endless loop of trying to prove my worth, even when I wasn’t sure of it myself.
Every time I spent time with someone, my only concern was whether they were having a good time. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t happy, as long as they were. Because if they weren’t, what did that say about me? That I wasn’t a good enough friend, companion, or person? What would even being happy mean to me if it wasn’t based on anyone else? Every decision—from what to eat to what movie to watch—was based on what I thought they wanted, not me.
Opening up about this feels scary, but it’s also relieving. I want to share this because I know I’m not alone in this struggle. People-pleasing is more common than I thought, and it can completely take over your sense of self.
The Hard Truth About People-Pleasing
Of course, this pattern wasn’t always the same. Sometimes, it was less intense, and I could still focus on my own needs. But during the bad phases, I completely lost myself in seeking external validation. I know it stems from childhood experiences and early traumas—things we’ve all learned to cope with in our own ways.
But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to break free, does it? Why is stepping out of this cycle so hard? Why is knowing my worth and putting myself first such a challenge?
Luckily, life has a way of teaching us what we need to learn, even if those lessons come in the most unexpected ways.
My Farm Work Story: The Extreme Lesson I Needed
Recently, I found myself in a situation where I had no choice but to say no to something that didn’t feel right. And yes, it probably needed to be that extreme for me to finally make a change.
As I shared in my last post about fear of success, I ended up doing farm work in rural Australia—far from the ocean, the things I love, and the very reason I came to Australia in the first place. I had a decision to make: should I go work on a farm, picking cherries or helping with sheep, or head straight to Byron Bay and focus on surfing, yoga, and creativity?
You can probably guess what I chose. I went to the farm.
At first, it seemed like the right choice. I’d earn good money, start off with some stability, and (most importantly) prove to myself and others that I was hardworking and capable enough.
But from the moment I arrived, I felt off.
The house I was supposed to live in was old, messy, not a pleasant place to live in. I was scared of being alone without anyone around with similar interests or experiences, and that fear became a reality. My first night there, I felt terrible—scared, low, and full of questions. I told myself things would get better as the first night is for me usually hard.
And to be fair, the first day wasn’t bad. We went to a beautiful dam, swam, and even saw heaps of kangaroos! But when it came time to work on the sheep farm, everything changed.
What I witnessed there shook me to my core—the way the animals were treated was unbearable. My stomach churned, and I felt faint. Yet, instead of leaving, I stayed for five hours. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or look incapable.
Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. After the last sheep was sheared, before a lunch break, I told my boss I couldn’t continue. To my surprise, he was very understanding and kind, and paid me more than I expected for the half-day. Walking away felt amazing. For the first time, I said NO to something that didn’t align with me.
Learning to Say Yes to Myself
After leaving the sheep farm, I tried cherry picking, but that didn’t go much better. I spent days working alone, battling the heat, rain, and the disappointment of not meeting my expectations—or anyone else’s. Took me a lot of doubts, all the logical reason were telling me to stay, but. My heart whispered what I needed to hear: it was time to leave. And this time, I listened. I listened to myself, taook the risk and stepped into the scary unknown, uncertain, but exciting and aligned. I did not have a certain plan, I just knew that this is not a place for me, I needed to leave. I was done proving myself or anoyone else that I need to work hard to deserve things I desire.
I booked the first train back to where I wanted to be, to Sydney, from where I would continue eventually to Byron Bay, and everything started falling into place. Within hours, I got a message confirming an insurance payout I wasn’t hoping to get. A modeling shoot in Sydney was confirmed. I’d be able to meet a friend there. And after few days in Sydney, I got a message that the original position in Byron Bay will be available sooner than expected!
Saying no to what wasn’t right for me opened doors to what was.
What I’ve Learned
It’s still a process, and I know I’ll have to face these challenges again. But this experience taught me that when you follow what lights you up, the universe conspires to help you.
Cutting strings that are holding you somewhere you’re no longer happy feels scary, its giving us a false sense of security, but if you do that, you release yourself and make yourself free. Free to get where your heart is happy, your soul lights up and you get where you wanna be. You need to close the first door in order for new one to open up. Saying radical NO will make sure it happens.
Tips for Overcoming People-Pleasing
If you’re on this journey too, here are a few things that helped me:
Practical tips:
- Start small.
Practice saying what you want—whether it’s choosing a restaurant or turning down a call when you’re not in the mood. You’ll find that most people respect your honesty, and those who don’t might not be worth keeping around.
- Observe others who put themselves first.
At first, I found it triggering – I thought it’s selfish. But deep down, I was jealous of their ability to stand up for their needs.
- Surround yourself with those people
They say you become a blend of the 5 closest people around you. If you want to work on something within yourself, start surrounding yourself with people that already have this quality and you’ll see that it will become natural for you.
Mindset shift:
- Look at it from the other perspective
Imagine that someone else would try to please you all the time and would only do things that you want, would you find it attractive?
- Imagine that you are on an inhabited island (with no connection)
What would you do there if no one else would know what you’re doing, if you couldn’t get any external validation?
Self discovery tools:
- Discover what could be the core of this mechanism
The need of people pleasing have a root much further, try journaling exercises (I’ll make a blog post with some journaling tips soon!) or if possible, therapy is an awesome help. Getting someone else helping us finding the root of these habits can be extremely helpful as we can’t see ourselves objectively.
- Get to know your worth and value
You’re not going to start feel valuable by pleasing others and waiting for external validation. Start doing things that YOU find valuable (such as focusing on your hobbies, learning something new, doing sport, spending time with people that incourage this feeling worth it in you,..) and you’ll see, that you will slowly feel your worth
- Remember
Every time you say yes to others, you’re saying no to yourself.
And you are exactly where you need to be. You don’t need to have it all figured out, no one does. Its human to have our things to work on, that’s the fun part about life. There is no final destination, there will always be more to discover, more to learn, more opportunities to grow. Take it easy on yourself, you’re doing great, with every trial, you’ll get better, but perfect – perfect you already are.
Saying no is never easy, but it’s so worth it. The more you honor your needs, the more you open yourself up to experiences that truly align with who you are. 💛
Tip for today: What is one thing you can say no to today in order to say yes to something you wanted to do for a long time but haven’t find the time for it?
